Worth

I was labelled 'The Chubby Kid' as far back as I can remember. When I look back at pictures of myself as a small kid, I really wasn't fat at all. I wasn't the skinniest kid in the world, but I could have had a good running at the clumsiest.

I did start maturing at a really young age. I was curvy at 9. I had breasts. I had hair in places hair should not grow when you're that young. I was a child in a woman's body. Of course this is the mid 80's and everyone has to comment on it. Nowadays, knowing what we know about how kids internalize comments, hopefully folks wouldn't be so brazen. I always heard how 'big' I was getting. Of course people could have meant height wise, that's not how I heard it, though. When you're 9 and your family and family friends are already telling you how easy childbirth will be for you, you can get a little self conscious about the size of your hips. I wore a womens size 8 (let me specify...an 80's size 8, not a 2009 size 8) when I was 9 years old. That was the only way they would fit me in the hips. I was too curvy for my own damn good.

On my 13th birthday I was 5'2" tall and 120 pounds. I remember this so specificially because after this year, I have never seen this number on the scale since. Aaaahhh, the good old days.
But, back then, I thought I was so fat. A cow. Who would want to look at me? Be my friend? Be my boyfriend? Well...there was one boy, which lead me to this whole thought process between the time my alarm went off and I stepped into the cold morning.

If I made a list when I was 13 years old of what I wanted out of my life, it would look something like this:

1. Marry the-boy-from-the-lake (check)
2. Have two great kids, one boy, one girl (check)
3. Have one dog, one cat (check)
4. Own a cute house in a nice neighborhood (check)
5. Be a successful business woman and have a career I love (check)
6. Travel. A lot. (check)
7. If things with boy-from-the-lake don't work out, #1 backup choice is Joey McIntyre. (didn't needbackup choice)

So, as you can see, I have everything I wanted when I was 13 years old. I've worked so hard for everything I have, from our house, to honoring the commitment I made when I married boy-from-the-lake even though I want to beat him with a frying pan.

So then WHY, why when I should be the happiest, am I the heaviest I ever weighed? I am now just shy of 5'4" tall and weigh 210 according to my scale, which I think is 5 pounds off so I could be as high as 215.

Because in the darkest recesses of my soul, I don't feel like I deserve it. Any of it. Yes, I had a really hard childhood. Who didn't? Why do all of those feelings of not being good enough still hold me back from being me at my full potential? Why don't I feel like I deserve my successes? What pain am I feeling that needs to be covered with the full, comforting effect of stuffing myself til I am sick?

Taste the pain.
Not the cupcake.

xoxo
Betty